Below is the Video Transcript
Well, I’m going to try and stay away from labels on this channel as much as I can, but it is codependency. And it is, it is something specific within what really not saying all codependency is toxic, but there’s an element of toxic codependency that drives a codependent Bree’s response to the abuse, to the difficulties in the relationship, the ups and the downs of being blamed to going around in circles, they’re triggered emotional dysregulation or anybody’s in any toxic kind of relationship. But the thing is this codependent response of freeze has all to do with toxic guilt and sometimes toxic guilt. More to the point is driven by toxic shame. And this goes to the reality that the seeds of codependency are sewn in childhood in many various ways, in many different kinds of families of origin. For some people, parents are pretty decent parents, but something happens emotionally that plan.
02:31 – 03:28
So seeds of codependency, maybe your parents are arguing and fighting a lot, but they’re not, you know, they don’t treat you poorly. They take care of most of your needs, but say, you’re like, remember thinking about it where you like four or five, six years old, your parents were fighting and you felt like you needed to be the peacemaker or the hero or the rescuer, because what happens to kids in those circumstances in their childhoods is that if mom or dad don’t feel safe, like if mom’s crying all the time, or if dad’s really upset a lot of time, cause it depends, you know, all these relationships can include various different issues that a parent might have or one parent having one thing and another parent having something that commensurately rather, unfortunately, in a betrayal bond or a true trauma bond type of relationship, quote fits together and coping that really.
03:29 – 04:25
And so children feeling like, you know, if apparently the parents are fighting, kids get scared. They want it to stop. They want it to go away. Why Because it interrupts your emotional safety as a child. And then when people grow up and, and some people have more, adversity to deal with, then what I’m describing here in their childhood, but not to the same extent, usually as those who will develop certain diff other mental health challenges. But the point is, so people grow up and, you know, they, they just do their best to keep moving forward in their lives. And they believe that their childhoods were pretty good. And maybe they weren’t pretty good, except for there were some things that happened that threaten your emotional safety that led you to have a shame wound that is not your fault. Parents don’t do it on purpose.
04:25 – 05:32
It depends. I mean, they don’t do it on purpose, but many people with reasonable parents, this can still happen for various different reasons. So they leave you with a shame wound and you grow up and you’re like, might affect your self-esteem. Maybe you don’t have the highest self esteem maybe you do, you have a bit of low self worth, but you’re getting on with your life and things are going pretty. Okay. And then it isn’t until people get into toxic relationships and go through that toxic dynamic and abuse and losing themselves and all what happens that then all of a sudden it’s like, well, yeah, people get shattered and devastated and they’re so hurt. And if you got the seeds of codependency in your childhood, then you’re going to be trying to give their codependency is an unhealthy relational style onto itself. Okay. Not, not to say that it is, it’s not as severe an unhealthy relational style or relational way of relating as those would BPE.
05:33 – 06:45
But so there’s this toxic element to codependency toxic codependency that produces this freeze response in people to adverse experience. Like if you’re being abused, if, if you’re traumatized, if it’s a trauma bonding relationship and you don’t realize that yet, what makes it extra difficult to extricate yourself from a, what makes it really hard to go No contact is that you have, you’re having a codependency freeze response, which likely you also had in childhood when maybe it was just a case of you didn’t feel emotionally safe here and there, which is still hard for kids though, and impacting and can plant the seeds of codependency. So this leaves a lot of people with co-dependency to continue to try to make things work. And the other thing isn’t many people who have had some intermittent reinforcement or some intermittent difficulty or lack of safety or various other things in their childhoods grow up and kind of push that away and think they’re okay until they get into a toxic relationship.
06:45 – 07:54
They realize, wait a minute, you know, and maybe not then, but when you seek help, you can find that out, write about your own life and you think, well, my childhood was great. Maybe all in all, it was pretty okay. But there will be some things in there, from your childhood, some experiences, wounded, inner child that you’ve been able to grow up and carry on your life in many other ways. But in these relationships, your wounded inner child definitely gets for lack of a better way to put it triggered. So there’s this codependency freeze response of toxic shame, and that drives toxic guilt. And then it’s that concern cause your people codependency are externalizing out a lot too. It’s that over concern of Well, you know, I mean, it must be my fault. Or if only I could have said this or done this or not done this or not said that, but then even when maybe, you know, and you’re still really hurting, did this relationship can work out, et cetera.
07:56 – 08:55
This freeze response stops people from going no contact when they really need to it’s this. But what about them Like, you know, I’m worried about him or her and I’ll feel so bad. That’s where the toxic shame kicks in. Because shame, when, when a person is a child, when you were a child, if you were shamed at all, and this can happen without parents doing it intentionally or with malice or anything, when, when any human being as a child and there’s any modicum of shame, then it isn’t like you did something bad. You feel like you are bad. So the toxic shame kicks in and then you feel like I’m going to, I’m going to be the bad person. They’re going to think I’m a horrible person. I’ve had so many clients say to me, that’s not me. That’s not who I am. And they’re speaking about shame moons, and they’re in a, in a codependent freeze response.
08:56 – 09:51
And they just think that’s who they are. Well, I just want to tell you, this is not who you are. You need to know more about who you actually are. And the other thing is that this toxic shame, people have shame, wounds and childhood. Lots of people have shame wounds that might not get them into these relationships and these difficulties. But the other thing is then you feel the toxic guilt, toxic shame and toxic guilt and the toxic codependency aspect of the codependency freeze response. When, when falling into toxic shame and toxic guilt, it’s all toxic. Why Because it’s not your guilt or it’s not related to that relationship break up. It might go back to your childhood, but it’s not your fault, but that shame wound and or that, that toxic shame and toxic guilt that you feel you might’ve felt as a child.
09:51 – 11:16
And this might be repeating for you, but it is not something that is actually what is the accurate picture because in these toxic relationships, you have a raw and you’re part of a dynamic and or the trauma bond, you know, but the thing is, it’s not your fault. And so though you will overextend yourself. And though as a codependent, you will externalize things about yourself or externalize things without realizing it consciously that you need, as you give and enable and rescue and all of that, the shame and the guilt either come from your childhood, but they still weren’t yours or your fault. And or you’re feeling it, refilling it again in the relationship or you were, and you are now after a relationship break up in a toxic, abusive relationship and it’s not yours. So that goes along with the cognitive dissonance, it goes along with the emotional dissonance, it goes along with all the reasons why it’s so difficult for people with codependency to be able to find their way through navigating what they themselves really need to know more about what you yourself might need to know more about.
11:16 – 12:17
And even if he knows it all up here, you got to get it into your emotional landscape and you need to do some healing from the past as well as now or the previous or the just ended relationship or the on and off again, relationship. So it’s really important to know that you can help people that present you with impossible, relational dynamics and toxic relationships. Can’t save him, can’t rescue and can’t fix them. And you’re sacrificing yourself and you’re bending yourself, abandoning yourself in a way that to one degree or another, you were abandoned in your childhood. It doesn’t mean you were literally abandoned or whatever, but there are moments of when parents can’t meet emotional needs or emotional safety is compromised for a child at any age and stage growing through childhood, up until adolescents, especially in, in the early years. So like, and even six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
12:17 – 13:31
This is where the wounding of the inner child that you go on and live beyond until you encounter this kind of dynamic, that you go on, but there’s this wound left from your childhood. So this is why this is so complicated along with the no closure, right From people that present as trauma bonded, toxic dynamic of a relationship, unbeknownst to people in the beginning. So it’s important to think about that. I’m out here to work. A few of you resonate with me recovery after these types of relationships and from codependency is a multilayered. And not often for most people, it’s really not a short-term thing. It doesn’t happen in four months or six months. People get much better, but this reason why people are so, in scrunched or, you know, can’t get out of putting other people’s feelings ahead of their own. And the response of toxic shame and toxic guilt leaves people, you know, really feeling like they can’t go no contact either.
13:32 – 14:24
Can’t take care of themselves. You keep missing the person. you’re identifying with an abuser. And for some people that replicates you, might’ve had a parent in your life that was like that, but lots of people didn’t have a parent quite like that, but there’s still something you experienced in your childhood that you need to know more about so that you can heal at that level as well as heal from the relationship. But in order to do all of that, and that worked in healing and recovery, it’s really difficult when you can’t go no contact or you keep going on and off in these relationships. So I hope that’s helpful to people gives you food for thought. And like I said, if you resonate with me, you can just go to AGA mahari.ca click on the button and sessions with AIJ. It’ll explain everything.
14:24 – 15:27
If you’d like me, if you’d like to work with me, then I’m on here to work with you. So you’re a choice of course, but I hope this was helpful because there’s so many, so much to the depth and the multi-varied reality of what’s happening to people when they’re getting hurt and abused and traumatized, and then trying to navigate that when it’s over and no closure and all this cognitive dissonance freeze response, the appealing toxic shame and toxic guilt. It’s, it’s so painful for people. It shatters people. And it also, renders people really unable in many cases to do anything but obsess on the person for, for some people it’s a long, long time people don’t eat well. People don’t do what they used to do. People don’t, friends don’t understand, family might not understand. They might love you and care about you, but they don’t get it if they haven’t been through it.
15:27 – 16:35
And you really need to seek help, because there’s so many parts to this that people can learn so much up here about, but not get into your emotional landscape. And it’s going to keep you stuck in this huge dilemma of the cognitive dissonance and emotional dissonance among other things where you’re looking for closure, or you want to get them back, but there’s just, what’s not on the landscape for so many people is how to look at the fact that something has ended and or that you really needed it to. And even if you ended it or you didn’t end it, but then why do people continue to just obsessively think about these people or the acts and, and just continue to proliferate your own suffering on top of what someone else has caused you and, and that multilayered what it goes back to in your childhood.
16:35 – 17:26
So I hope that might’ve been helpful and provide you some information, and I’m going to have a lot more information coming. I try to avoid Abel’s on his channel, but I really wanted to speak about this aspect of codependency. And so, you know, please see the circle in the video, click on it, subscribe to this channel, to where I’m going to have a lot more coming for you. And, and maybe this is the first video of mine you’ve ever seen, and you don’t know who the heck I am. Well, I’m a counselor and a life and recovery coach. And so, ha Mahari, I’d say is my main website. There are others, but you can learn more. And then I have another channel that explains a lot more about this too. So now I have so much more information coming for you here, going to be live streaming on this channel here as well, where we’re going to try to discuss things that are really, emotionally difficult.
17:26 – 18:09
I’m going to try to educate people more about that in ways where we try not to push it in circles, because we need to get under those labels. I believe people do also to understand, to be able to get out of your head and start to realize what’s happening in your emotional landscape. That’s where a lot of people get stuck too. So please, please, if you’re interested in hearing more hit the subscribe button or a circle there, and, or it might be over there, I don’t know. And, the notification bell, and if you’re interested in coming to a live stream that I’m going to be doing on this channel, I live stream on my main channel as well. And if you found this on Burcham, I want to check out the other one too, take care.
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